If you can back it up with graphs, its gotta be true

I came up with this chart after a rather realistic dream where two of my very charming friends never existed. That is to say, I dreamed that they had never been part of my life. And let me tell you, it was fucking glorious.

Now, don’t get me wrong- I love my friends, they’re beautiful and loyal and tons and tons of fun. But sometimes I get a little jealous. Cause everyone falls in love with them. Because they’re charming motherfuckers.

You see, I suck at picking up social cues. I swear like a trucker, and my version of flirting is pushing my man of choice against the nearest wall and having my way with him. I am not at all charismatic, people generally don’t want to be my friend. I was always one of the last people to be picked for group projects, unless one of my friends with actual social skills was in the class. (I mean come ON, what tactful person writes a fucking blog post discussing what a cocky motherfucker they are?? Me. I do.)

So, since i have the charisma of a potato, my ability to be an attractive person is pretty much dependant on my ability to wear makeup and stay skinny.

 You see, with optimal amounts of weight loss and makeup, i can actually pass as a decent looking human being (especially while in bars with dim lighting). However, too much or too little of either of those factors results in me looking like a)skeletor, b) a guido, c) a clown or d) some sort of overgrown gremlin. However, with charm, people have the ability to raise their attractiveness exponentially:

 

As you can see, a charming person who is fat and without makeup can actually be more attractive than the socially retarded, by shifting the relationship upwards. When you are a charismatic person, people don’t care that you have a face like a fucking horse.

And that is what I blame my inability to attract people on. Well, that or my weird hobby of making graphs out of social phenomena that I made up.